6 of 1001

Spend a week with my mother, write down everything she says. Discard everything she says, except the judgement calls, the critiques and how disappointed she is of me. That should leave just about 90% of the stuff. For added effect include things she says to the rest of the family too. Condense that. Repeat all that to the victim.

Goes into depression. Pays for psychytriac treatment and hence financial ruin. Depression stays there. Everyone hates him for being such a downer all the time. He himself or someone around him kills him.
Done.

5 of 1001

Tell the victim that the Aristocat is a really nice guy. Train the victim to do the following:

- Tell everyone that Unilever sucks.
- Tell Aristocat that he smells
- Tell him a joke
- Try to take him out
- Make fun of unilever again.

Aristocat kills the victim.

Done.

4 of 1001

For girls: take the victim to a public spot. Well, just track his movements and whenever he’s in a very crowded very full Pakistani market, go up to him, take off your chappal or shoe or whatever, scream at the top of your lungs and ask him, teray ghar mein maan behen nai hai???? For added effect, start crying and wish to the almighty, if only you too had a brother. The whole place looks back. All eyes are on the victim. Instantaneous generation of brothers and fathers to take revenge for you. Public lynching.

Done

3 of 1001

Tell the victim to make all his investment in NIT. Tell him how incredibly they did over the past 10 years ( with the exception of last year). Tell him how good that instiution has been running lately. Once that’s done, make Zardari Prime Minister (or his pocket guy, the Prime Minister). In two years, NIT will be sucked dry. Our guy commits suicide


Done!

2 of 1001

Make him get into LUMS. Pick a pretty girl. Maybe just cute. Get him infatuated with her totally. Stare at her always. Get her awesome clothes first, the kind that either go way too up or way too down. And yet never quite enough. Once he’s mad. Pump him well and good. When he finally picks up the courage and says to her, “aap mujh se fraandship karein gi?”…tell her to give him THE look. THE look is the one with the eyebrow slightly raised, saying how confused she is. The brow doesn’t know how could this be possible. This travesty. This impudence. The eyebrow saying all this has an eye under it. It rolls. It rolls like it has never been rolled before. While the eyebrow is all confused, the eye is all loathing. It has all the hate and disgust in the world. It suddenly reminds the boy of the time he wet his pants back in grade 3 and even the Miss laughed at him. The other eye. That hazel-green eye which always seemed smiling, is not smiling now. Its just furious. And the fury doesn’t die till his self esteem is taken and sucked dry. The remaining eye brow is nicer though. It tells him to run off with only a slight tinge of self-importance. It tells him what he wants to hear. But he knows not how to tell those wimpy blocks of lead under his torso to move.

By this time, he has had two to three minor heart attacks. Tell the girl to do the turn around. THE turnaround. Where she turns with her whole body and reminds him of his place in the universe. It doesn’t exist. Not in this dimension. He might belong to some un-intelligent life form on a planet of the apes dimension, but probably not. The final major heart attack.

Death due to embarrassment, . At the very least, he is no more than a walking zombie. The undead.

Done!

SNAP!

Got an awesome mail today:

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:You are in Sindh, Larkana to be specific.There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of his epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:Suddenly, you see a man in the water.He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...You suddenly realize who it is... It is Asif Ali Zardari!You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.You have two options:You can save the life of Zardari, or, you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...Would you select high contrast colour film, or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

1001 ways to kill and get away with it: 1 of 1001

Take an ordinary everyday guy under your wing. Invest your time and money in him/her. Spend 3 months in prepping him up for GMAT. Spend another month on his LUMS essays. Make him give 5 or 6 intensive mock interviews so that he is ready for the admission interview. When he gets in LUMS, spend another Rs.150,000 on his fees. Wait for him to get into the summer orientation program. After he is in, and after about a week and a half of 3-5 hours of sleep a night, when he is in a state of perpetual hangover (without ever drinking), when he shows up at the central mosque on Tuesday for Friday prayers, quietly start saying in his ear, “no sleep tomorrow, you are worthless, no sleep tomorrow, you are worthless, no sleep tomorrow”. Death by nervous breakdown, or at the very least a permanent disability from the stroke.

Done!